necfbfan
Climbing Mt. St. James
Posts: 78
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Post by necfbfan on Aug 23, 2023 11:05:18 GMT -5
I'm going through a devastating breakup. My heart is broken. I'm full of regrets and second-guesses. Not all of it is my fault - everything is a two way street - but some of it is. I don't want to go into details, but this relationship was very messy on both ends and probably wasn't destined to last for ever, but I knew this woman for a long time and I'm broken right now
Maybe this isn't the place to post, and if not, I apologize, but this board is full of members who are older and wiser and more spiritually developed than I am, and perhaps they could provide me with some wisdom and words of support right now. I need it. How do you move on from regrets? How do you deal with losing someone who was so integral for so long? How do you deal with memories that hurt? This place is a good place so I've come here to seek advice.
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Post by hchoops on Aug 23, 2023 11:40:20 GMT -5
I am sorry about your situation
One book that helped me was by a Rabbi Kirshner(sp ?), “Why bad things happen to good people”
(This should occur first) My other suggestion is to find someone you can confide in and talk with them in person.
God speed
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Post by purplehaze on Aug 23, 2023 12:11:16 GMT -5
What you are facing is all too common in our world these days so try not to feel guilty
Seek out a counselor and it can be a priest, minister or rabbi - it's doesn't matter if you're active in a congregation or not ! These people can be a big help
It's ok that you say you are not 'spiritually developed' (most of us are in that boat) but I would encourage you to jump on board to start moving on a spiritual journey and I would encourage a Christian one.
God bless you as you face challenges in this next chapter in your life. Things can work out when you don't expect it.
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necfbfan
Climbing Mt. St. James
Posts: 78
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Post by necfbfan on Aug 23, 2023 12:18:42 GMT -5
What you are facing is all too common in our world these days so try not to feel guilty Seek out a counselor and it can be a priest, minister or rabbi - it's doesn't matter if you're active in a congregation or not ! These people can be a big help It's ok that you say you are not 'spiritually developed' (most of us are in that boat) but I would encourage you to jump on board to start moving on a spiritual journey and I would encourage a Christian one. God bless you as you face challenges in this next chapter in your life. Things can work out when you don't expect it. The spiritual maturity of this forum is both palpable and inspirational and it's part of the reason I like coming here so much. I appreciate the kind words from both posters so far, and I'll take the advice to heart. |
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Post by newfieguy74 on Aug 23, 2023 12:56:31 GMT -5
Echoing some of what's already been said:
1. Get some therapy. It helps put what you're going through in perspective.
2. Wherever you are on your religious journey, lean into it.
3. Take care of yourself: eat well, take a walk, try to sleep. Exercise helps a lot.
4. Meditate. If you don't do it you might want to give it a try.
Best of luck.
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Post by sader1970 on Aug 23, 2023 12:58:40 GMT -5
nec, sometimes my mantra may sound trite or flippant, but I truly believe it when I say, "everything happens for a reason." Not always, but many times, it takes awhile to determine what that reason is. Sometimes, you never find out why. But I happen to believe in those times, it is a reason that God knows. It's part of a picture bigger than any human can comprehend.
I am confident that you will emerge stronger from this painful experience.
God be with you. Vaya con Dios.
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Post by longsuffering on Aug 23, 2023 14:32:00 GMT -5
Hang in there. The weather report called today "fall like weather" perfect for following football and for good walks as mentioned above. For everything there is a season. Your season for quality football insights shared on Crossports is coming right up. Thanks for all you have contributed now and in the future.
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Post by KY Crusader 75 on Aug 23, 2023 14:56:00 GMT -5
necfbfan-I am praying for you
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Post by Sons of Vaval on Aug 23, 2023 17:00:18 GMT -5
Hang in there, nec. Have enjoyed your perspectives on New England college football.
The good thing is, it’s about to be the best time of the year in New England, assuming that’s where you live. Football starts this weekend, fall is right around the corner, fall foliage in New England is terrific, and pumpkin beer is back.
In all seriousness, finding some healthy pursuits can be great. Take your dog for long fall walks. If you don’t have a dog, consider adopting one. Seriously. The relationship I have with my two dogs has brought me an incredible amount of joy. You’ll be surprised at the people you meet on walks, at the dog park, etc.
Volunteer or get involved with a mentoring program. You’ll find that everything you give comes back to you tenfold. Great way to meet new people, too.
I’m glad that our quirky community here might provide some solace for you.
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Post by nycrusader2010 on Aug 24, 2023 5:59:29 GMT -5
SOV captured what a lot of my advice would be in his post above.
I'm not sure how old you are (guessing you're in your 20's) but I will do my best to relate here. I'm sure you can make an assumption on my age based on my username.
I actually started dating a girl at Holy Cross that was everything I dreamed I would find in a significant other -- it was a flame that lit up at a senior year event in downtown Worcester known as the "100 Days Ball", which takes place approximately 100 days before graduation. The relationship was in its infancy the last couple months at HC and we really didn't have much of a plan, other than we clearly wanted to continue being together. Issue was I'm from NYC and she's from Portland, ME. We did the long distance thing for almost 2 years post-college, most of which was great in spite of the back-and-forth travel. I thought eventually I would cave and move to Boston or Maine but ultmately took a promotion at work down here which sort of killed my aspirations to move to New England. Plus, being a New Yorker IMO, is a core attribute of who I am as a person. Even though I hate a lot of what this city represents politically, it's home -- friends and family are here. And the girl definitely wasn't cut out to move to NY -- she made it clear it wasn't for her. So, unfortunately, we broke up and found our separate paths. It was super painful and I wasn't fully over her for at least a year. I definitely wasn't ready to settle down at age 24 and this girl absolutely was. Two different wavelengths on that front as well.
I did really end up making the most of life, post-breakup IMO. Here are my recommendations:
1) Create as many memories with friends and family as possible. Visit friends in other cities and states. Don't miss family re-unions or get togethers, even if travel is involved. Stay in touch with childhood, HS and college friends.
2) Set goals for yourself. Take time to think about what YOU want to pursue. Go for that promotion or jump to another industry that you've always wanted to be in. Start saving money to buy your own apartment, if you don't already. Invest for the future but try to ENJOY the now when it comes to life experiences. Don't miss out.
3) Take a couple months off from doing anything dating-related entirely. When you are ready to "check out the menu", take it slow at first. Tough to put a time limit on anything but as a general rule, wait 18 months before pursuing another serious relationship.
4) Don't talk to your ex. Nothing good will come of that. Un-follow on social media. Respect each other's space and allow each other to move on.
5) You obviously are into sports if you're on this board. Join a men's softball, soccer, hoops or flag football league. Or regularly link up with golfing buddies. For me, rec sports are healthcare. Co-ed sports and meetup running groups are fine too, and often just as competitive (I do both), but I find the all-male dynamic is something I need every week.
End result, I met the perfect woman for me about 3 years after that break-up with the HC girl. Another Patriot League alum -- Loyola (MD). And now we have a 3-year old daughter and are expecting a son in February!
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Post by dadominate on Aug 24, 2023 6:59:43 GMT -5
some great advice here.
one other thing i'll add is to be patient with yourself and your relationships. after "playing the field" and not really able to connect with anyone on a deep level to want to commit - which has its own challenges - it wasn't until my early 40's when i met and fell in love with the woman who is now my wife and mother of my son. i thought for the longest time that long-term relationships just weren't for me, and tortured myself every time it got to the point of "where do we go from here" and we broke up.
when it's time for the one (if that's what you choose to do), it's time. hang in there, dive into other positive aspects of life, and the relationship will be there when it's time for you.
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Post by timholycross on Aug 24, 2023 9:43:53 GMT -5
My path followed somewhat the path of dadominate in terms of failed relationships and when I met/started dating my wife of now 28 years.
Very ironic that I started dating my future wife right around the time scholarship football ended, Duffner left; and the Saturday road trips to PA became a lot less enticing.
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necfbfan
Climbing Mt. St. James
Posts: 78
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Post by necfbfan on Aug 24, 2023 9:46:46 GMT -5
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has offered something. I've read every post and I still have a couple of private messages that I'll get around to in due time.
I have a lot of work to do on my own, but hearing all of this advice - even if its from people I haven't met - is more valuable to me than you guys probably know.
Unfortunately, my extended family was never really involved with my immediate family growing up, and a considerable portion of my immediate family has passed away. I'm also secluded in one of those tiny Quabbin Reservoir area towns with nothing to do and almost no one to meet. My point being, it's far too easy for someone in my shoes to ruminate in isolation, which isn't healthy. So, coming on here and hearing advice is actually valuable to me, and don't underestimate that. Thank you, and I will take all of this advice to heart.
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Post by rgs318 on Aug 24, 2023 13:07:41 GMT -5
When all else seems to fail, ya' still got us!  |
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Post by Chu Chu on Aug 25, 2023 15:05:13 GMT -5
necfbfan, it is a sign of strength to reach out for help during a time of crisis. The fact that you did this bodes very well for you and your emotional maturity and ability to heal. People who have never risked putting themselves out there have never experienced this kind of grief, but they also never experience the upside of having a wonderful, loving relationship. I would say, be thankful for the time you had together, and learn from the experience. But also realize that it really is true that better things are to come.
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